Almost a year ago to the day I wrote a blog post about what it was like to want to be a mom. I was four months into waiting and trying, and looking back, that post was likely fueled by the strongest of hormones because I was actually just a few weeks pregnant when I hit “publish”.
I know that four months is not a long time to get pregnant. Many women hope and pray for years on end to carry their own little ones, and I realize in the grand scheme of things that I’m one of the lucky few, especially with an endometriosis diagnosis. But the five years beforehand of being told that pregnancy was very unlikely for me- those felt like waiting years and they too carried a hurt and anxiousness that were their own kind of torture.
But now I’m almost four months into being a mom.
My pregnancy was everything I hoped it would be and more. I birthed my baby girl in a tub on my living room floor with my husband on one side and pup on the other, just like I pictured it. Despite severe tearing, my immediate postpartum experience was overall a breeze (which I credit to my doula- seriously…if you spend money on one thing, let it be a doula), and I’m currently enjoying my last month of maternity leave watching Sloan find her voice and perfect the art of rolling over.
#tooblessedtobestressed is the motto I’ve been living by these first few months, and HOLY SMOKES am I thankful to be mama.
But despite the happiest of moments and overhearing my girl giggle over the baby monitor as I write, if I’m being totally honest- I’m feeling things that seem wrong. I have everything I prayed for and more, yet I complain, I question, and I worry.
For me, being a mama feels like being stuck in the middle- a messy, guilty, I-can’t-believe-I’m-thinking-these-things middle.
It’s wanting time to slow down for just one more gummy smile while also begging for the next milestone of sleeping through the night or eating independently to hurry along.
It’s squeezing my baby tight and enjoying that perfectly soft skin against mine one minute, then being touched-out only seconds later.
It’s knowing we should get out of the house. Go on a walk. Run to the grocery store. Visit the park. All the while being fully aware that staying home is easier for literally everyone involved.
It’s wondering how I ever lived without this little person while questioning if I’m ever going to get just. one. day. without that same little person needing me from sunrise to sunset.
What goes through my head on the daily, hourly, and even minute by minute feels like a rollercoaster- a pulling between content and want, strong and weak, put together and falling apart. I mean, it can’t be both…can it? Is it possible for one person to think “I’ve got this” and “WTF am I doing” in the same breath? I can tell you from experience that yes…yes it is. And I’m learning to hunker down in the space between the two where I end up saying “here we are, and it’s ok”.
Continuing with the theme of honesty, I have to admit that only a few days after Sloan’s birth I questioned my choice to become a mom. Yep…there. I said it. I cringe when I think about those feelings, but I had them. And there are moments that I still wonder “what the heck was I thinking!?” They’re usually fueled by sleep deprivation, stress, and/or hunger. I try to acknowledge those thoughts, forgive them, and let them fleet away with a glimpse into my girl’s baby blue eyes, but let me tell you…
I didn’t realize that motherhood would be like this.
I thought that my struggles and fear and hopelessness around fertility would make me immune to those feelings; that I would be nothing but happy and grateful.
Now don’t get me wrong- 99% of the time I’m proudly wearing the title of mama. Heck, I’ve got a “COOL MOM” sweatshirt on my Mother’s Day wish list and a “Sloan’s Mama” coffee mug (complete with her photo) in my online shopping cart. But it’s freakin’ hard! I don’t care how much you love your baby. It’s exhausting and trying and requires patience and persistence beyond what I even thought I had in me.
I consider myself maternal. In fact, I believe that I thrive in this new role. I’m a get on the floor, fill ~literally~ every pocket of silence with a song, make each moment a learning opportunity kind of mom. I’m even toying with the idea of becoming a part time stay-at-home mom and plotting which drug cartel I need to join to make it happen (not really, but you get the picture) because I want to be there for every moment. Those gummy smiles I mentioned before? I want them all directed at me.
But I also like the idea of being able to “get away” and go to work. And I love what I do. And that full time paycheck is pretty dang nice.
Aaaaaaand here I am again in the messiest of middles.
I don’t know where I’m going with this, friend. I could go on and on with the “am I doing enough” self-doubt and it seems as though no matter how much I try to decipher these thoughts, I’m still torn and confused, wanting one thing and wishing for another all while being ~magically~ content right where I am.
I think I’m just writing this to remember. To be able to look back on the struggles with an understanding heart and say “oh girl, you don’t know how good you had it”. I also know that I’m likely not alone in these thoughts, and if you’re reading this saying “OMG YASSSSSSS”, then just know that you’re not alone.
“Mommin’ ain’t easy” they said, but they never mentioned that it would be like this.
I’m so thankful for this opportunity to be a mama. To grow as a person as I watch my own little human develop in every way possible right in front of me. I’m optimistic that the in between is where we thrive and flourish, because I have a feeling that’s right where we’re gonna be for a while.
And hopefully, right where we’re meant to be.
