Intimacy: Physical, mental, emotional, and/or spiritual closeness
Sex: Physical actions centered around sexual arousal
Intercourse: Genital penetration
All of the above are individual and important parts of a relationship, and it’s essential to know that you can have one without the others and still maintain an active love life. In the case of a majority of patients who come into my office complaining of pain with vaginal penetration, full-blown intercourse isn’t always welcomed or possible, yet many women still need and desire other forms of connection with their significant other.
If we’re being honest…nothing is a ~true~ substitute for intercourse and decreasing or removing that act from your relationship due to pain can be frustrating, even demoralizing, and introduce an unspoken (or spoken) sense of pressure to “get back to it”. This stress, more often than not, can make the situation worse.
While working to decrease pain with vaginal penetration (this blog post has baaaaasically everything you need to see improvement including free guides and step-by-step instructions) the focus needs to shift to other forms of sex and intimacy if you want to keep romance alive. Leave it this unapologetic Libra and hopeless romantic to give you an [abbreviated] list of all the easy and actionable ways to keep things sweet and spicy between you and your mate.
The List—
1. Hold hands. Make it a point to do this in the car, while watching TV, on walks, etc. I’m a firm believer that there’s rarely a bad time to be hand in hand.
2. Play a game. Board games, video games, phone games, card games…a little competition is a ~completely~ healthy part of relationships.
3. Go on dates regularly. Even getting out just once a month gives you an occasion to look forward to and a reason to kick things up a notch or two.
4. Pray. Sharing and hearing each other’s deepest desires, biggest fears, and inmost thoughts is one of the most intimate things you can do with another person (IMO).
5. Download the Paired App. This phone application asks you and your partner daily questions and you can’t see their answer until you respond yourself. So fun and a great way to get to know your person with topics you probably haven’t even thought to talk about!
6. Learn something new. There’s something about putting yourself out there and making yourself vulnerable that naturally brings people closer together. There are so many options out there nowadays for group classes or private lessons on just about anything you might be interested in.
7. Take photos of each other. This can be rated PG, XXX, or anything in between. Your significant other sees you in a way that no one else does and it’s fun to get a glimpse of their view.
8. Make out. Channel your inner teen and don’t hesitate to take it to the couch, kitchen counter, or backseat of the car. Nothing says you can’t take it back to second base every now and then.
9. Work up a sweat. I will never say no to breathing heavy and getting the feel-good endorphins goin’ with my guy. Try to find an activity that you both enjoy and watch a healthy habit blossom.
10. Take a bath or shower. I’m all for multitasking and getting clean with a little bit of lovin’ is the ultimate combo and nothing beats your significant other scrubbing that hard-to-reach spot on your back.
11. Party. While I’m a (really) big fan of girl’s nights, I also find that getting together on a double date or in a larger group helps you see a side of your significant other that may pleasantly surprise you. Watch how they interact with others and fall in love all over again.
12. Compliment each other. Speak up when your partner does something you appreciate, point out your partner’s strengths, and don’t hesitate to share all the ways your partner makes you swoon.
13. Cuddle. You know you’re already planning to binge that Netflix series together anyways. You might as well get a bit closer and stay a little warmer in the process.
14. Expand your minds. Listen to a podcast or read a book together. Set weekly deadlines to finish an episode or chapter and discuss your favorite takeaways at the end.
15. Cook. It’s so much easier to split household tasks, but working together in the everyday, mundane things tends to make them feel a bit more ~magical~.
16. Set goals. Share individual goals and establish relationship goals that you can work towards together in the coming months and years. Promise to help each other achieve them, and make sure to celebrate when you do.
17. Oral sex. Using your mouths is often a softer way to pleasure your partner with just as much physical connection. If this isn’t your thing, then skip on past, but don’t forget it is an option.
18. Travel. Whether you’re going big and hopping on a plane or simply jumping one town over, getting out of your everyday surroundings is a great way to explore and experience something new together.
19. Be silly. Wrestle, tickle, or tell harmless jokes. Do something to smile wide and belly laugh together.
20. Give each other a massage. Light candles, get a good massage oil (use code MANDM10 for 10% off at Primally Pure), and take turns working out all the kinks. Set a timer so no one cheats and communicate where you want them to focus most.
21. Send texts or leave notes. For the fellow “words of affirmation” lovers like me, a thoughtful act like this means everything. It takes ten seconds, but the effect can last for days.
22. Plan a surprise. The world is your oyster here with options including everything from breakfast in bed to an unexpected outing or gift “just because”.
23. Do a project. Renovate your home, work in your garden, complete a craft or put a puzzle together. Collaborating on an activity from start to finish builds a sense of partnership and teamwork that will carry over into all aspects of your relationship.
24. Sleep. While this might seem like a no-brainer, sleeping next to someone requires a sense of closeness and trust that you shouldn’t take for granted. Bonus for every evening that you kiss each other goodnight.
25. Post on social. While social media is a highlight reel that pales in comparison to real life, getting or giving a public shout out is an easy way to show you care.
For many women, intercourse is a beautiful combination of mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual thoughts, words, and actions and it can be hard to feel close to your partner without it. The good news is that there are other ways to reproduce that same connection with some extra effort and I’ve shared some of my favorite ideas here.
As someone who was personally in this boat for about six months after birthing my daughter, I have a few words of advice—
(1) Communicate what you’re feeling, physically and emotionally, with your partner. If you’re on the same page regarding your current situation, you can be more open, realistic, and patient about meeting each other’s wants and needs.
(2) Don’t grin and bear it. Repetitive exposure to pain with intercourse can create negative feelings and counterproductive bodily responses that lead to chronic stress and pain with vaginal penetration. If you don’t want to have intercourse, you don’t have to. There are other ways to please your partner.
(3) Do something to address your pain. Pain with intercourse is [not] normal and there’s something you can do about it, I promise. This blog post includes multiple tips and strategies that you can start trying today. The “Let It Go” technique is where I would begin if I were you. *wink wink*
If you have other ideas of ways to be intimate or have a few thoughts to share from experience, please comment below! Women need to realize that they’re not alone in this situation and there are (really fun) alternatives for intercourse in the game of love and romance.
– Amanda
Disclaimer: The content provided here does not constitute medical advice, nor is it a substitute for personalized healthcare. If you have concerns about a medical condition, diagnosis, or treatment, you should consult with a licensed healthcare professional.
Disclosure: Some of the links above are affiliate links, meaning, at no additional cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase. No pressure, but I have a feeling you’re gonna like what I’ve taken the time to put my recommendation behind.
